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swan swan humming bird

Sunday, June 22, 2003


Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.
~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Friday, June 13, 2003

12:23AM - radiohead and the meaning of life

its totally thundering and lightening here. thats def the sexiest weather there is. my brother and danielle are on the couch downstairs; how cute... how wants to join me on a couch ;-)... oh dammit, no one as usual. sigh.

so i have been listening to hail to the thief non stop sinc ei got it on tuesday. its an amazing CD. its wierd, i have also been spending a lot of time looking at the booklet, as radiohead are known for "hiding" cool things in their packaging and artwork. I havent found anything yet, but i absolutely love the font they use. is it possible to fall in love because of a font? i mean, not in love with an particular person, but jsut to have that characteristic new love feeling? the one where your stomach is moving at the speed of light and its very ions are rotating so much that it just stays still in your body, but you feel the very disturbance of the electromagnetic forces deep down in the pit.

thats the way the radiohead cd booklet font makes me feel. what the hell is wrong with me?

well, that and the way the lyrics are written. Thom Yorke is not known for his pronunciation, but usually reading the lyrics makes them make sense. but in this case, its just really beautiful poetry.

oh god i love radiohead. why can't i find a boy right here right now who makes me feel the way radiohead makes me feel?

Current mood: giddy

Friday, June 6, 2003

2:41PM - if i were a, i would be a

If I were a month I would be: may
If I were a day of the week I would be: sunday morning
If I were a time of day I would be: 11 am
If I were a planet I would be: pluto
If I were a sea animal I would be: aenonme
If I were a direction I would be: east
If I were a piece of furniture I would be: a comfy chair
If I were a historical figure I would be: mae west
If I were a liquid I would be: jd
If I were a stone, I would be: saphhire
If I were a tree, I would be: dogwood
If I were a bird, I would be: lovebird
If I were a tool, I would be: philips head screwdriver
If I were a flower/plant I would be: lavender
If I were a kind of weather I would be: summer rain
If I were a mythical creature I would be: leprechaun
If I were a musical instrument, I would be: oboe
If I were an animal, I would be: dog
If I were a color, I would be: midnight blue
If I were an emotion, I would be: discontent
If I were a vegetable, I would be: cabbage
If I were a sound, I would be: a sweet whisper
If I were an element, I would be: einsteinium
If I were a car, I would be: a gti vrg or a m3
If I were a song, I would be: last night i dreamed somebody loved me
If I were a movie, I would be directed by: kevin smith or susan skoog
If I were a book, I would be written by: kury vonnegut
If I were a food, I would be: lobster
If I were a place, I would be: county mayo
If I were a material, I would be: seersucker
If I were a taste, I would be: curry
If I were a scent, I would be: vanilla
If I were a word, I would be: anodyne
If I were an object, I would be: a bouncy ball
If I were a body part I would be: a vagina
If I were a facial expression I would be: confused
If I were a subject in school I would be: algebra
If I were a shape I would be: rhombus
If I were a number I would be: 11

Thursday, June 5, 2003

7:40PM - where do we go from here the words are coming out all weird where are you now when i need you most?

i hate sitting around the house when i'm sick. i always just end up turning on the telly and hating life. everything on t.v. is so fake - so why is it when i hear stupid sappy songs or watch crap music videos, they always make me think of rob?

i can swear up and down until im blue in the face that i'm over him, but how does one really ever get over someone who stole your heart? and why do i feel like doogie howser right now?

i think part of the reason crap music videos make me think of rob is because i know how against he is of crap commercialized music - because of the generalization of feelings and emotions that music is supposed to bring out of oneself. "the lowest common denominator" as he liked to call it. i understand how he felt, and certainly i knew that everything he listened to was more thoughtful and more introspective than what i listened to, but even if a crap song makes you feel a certain way, that doesnt make the feeling in you any less real than a well thought out, politically or socially or musically significant song does.

and so even though i havent talked to rob in like three months, and i know hes a shit head and even though i've been thinking about Matt loads, i still cant get rob out of my head....

what if i never do? am i doomed to misery?
i often wonder if he thinks about me, or what he does think about when he thinks about me.... i probably dont want to know. or he could just spend all his time thinking about kelly.

rob fits this mold, i dont want it to sound superficial, but it def has some thing to do a certain look, that dirty bad boy image - not that hot intelligent sweet well dressed guys like matt dont pique my interest, but those dirty boys are definetely my "type" .. but rob had something more than that that i could never put my finger on.

or maybe i was just fooling myself, maybe i was in love with being obsessed. (i suppose if you know me at all you know that is a definete possibility....)

oh i dont know, its just my strep throat/fever/drugs/t.v. induced delirium talking...

Current mood: contemplative

12:51PM - back from ireland

so i'm back from ireland. it was loads of fun, except the last night, which involved getting no sleep and then driving my drunken dad 4 hrs to the airport, only to realize he had left his passport at my uncles house. luckily, my aunt and uncle chased us all the way to teh airport with the passport, and got there like 20 mins after we did...
driving in ireland was fun, and a little wierd, but i'm glad i got to do it. i woke up today after sleeping for like 15 hrs with a sore throat. god damn.

Current mood: bored

Wednesday, May 28, 2003

2:54PM - the hills of connemara

got home from ithaca yesterday, going to ireland tonight. good thing i havent unpacked or repacked yet. suppose i should go do that....

talk to you all in a week i guess

Thursday, May 22, 2003

10:39PM - revenge of the nerds

ack, i've seen steve herbowy, tom mcnulty, bama....
they're all in town for graduation, but its like return of the hookups weekend, its all very unnerving.
guess thats what you get for hooking up with all your friends, and your friends friends - some akward situations.

anyways, gotta bounce to the parties; clearly going to be wasted tonight, who knows what kind of trouble i'm gonna get into.

Current mood: freaking out!

Wednesday, May 21, 2003

10:09AM - you can't always get what you want

but sometimes you find you get what you need

first of all, i just reread my journal, in its fairly sporadic entirety. i dont know if my perception of things has changed, or if i have always been just editing the words i put in here - its probably a little bit of both - but its a little sad to think that a lot of what i wrote seems to only represent a tiny portion of the whole story, but that the whole story can't even really be told in words... but how do you put the most ephemeral glimpses of subconcious thoughts into a coherent, properly spell sentence?
so although this is a place to record my feelings and reactions and thoughts, don't take anything you read in this journal too seriously. if you were involved in whatever incident im discussing, then you know what really went on, and if you weren't, well, you'll just have to deal with the highlights, however misrepresentative they are.

on a more current note, i can't say my actions the past few days have been entirely repectable, but im going to blame it all on alcohol. (thats a joke, btw)

ultimately, the one thing i learn over and over again, in high school, in college, in everything do, is that laughter, especially self directed, solve a lot of problems. or at the very least, is a salve for healing wounds.

i know that sounds strange coming from the crying girl, but i know the sweetest tears are the ones that end in laughter. "the sweet aint so sweet without the bitter" but the sweet sure is sweet, and should be plentiful.

being able to laugh at your self makes it easier to get through those moments when you feel your cheeks flush, or when you feel your heart sink.

i am blessed to have some amazing friends. i don't always treat them the way i should, or show them the appropriate feelings. but thats probably the best part, even though i treat them like shit, i can't seem to get rid of them.

similarly, my heart has known some sweet moments over the past four years that i will remember. it has known some bitter wicked moments, but i will also remember those fondly. especially in the past few days, i have learned of some feelings that i didnt think lived in certain peoples hearts, and it makes me a little sad to know that i can't do anything about them. but its nice to know they are there.

i can't say there is nothing i regret, but i can say that if i had to do it all over again, i wouldn't change a thing.

so whereever you are now, wherever you will be this next summer, or this next year, or even this next life time (if that is going to be the next time i see you), know that i am thinking about my friends, and i love you all very much.

Current mood: introspective

Monday, May 12, 2003

8:48PM - a synapomorphy for archosauria includes a fourth trochanter on the femur, as indicative of the trend

towrds bipedalism.

in other words, birds have more muscles so they can walk on fewer legs - why does everything so simple have to seem so complicated?
why is it that just when everything seems so simple and working out so well, i have to go and make it seem complicated and not what i want?

why can't i just be happy for a second without questioning it?

i'm procrastinating, can you tell?
i'm whining, can you tell?

Current mood: schmoopey moopey

Wednesday, May 7, 2003

9:38PM - first of last finals tommorow

in a a perfect world, i would go home from the library tonight and be done studying bchem, so i could enjoy some nice hot sex with a nice hot boy while listening to pinkerton by weezer... instead in my world, i'll be in the library till 1am and come home to my cat and stinky hamster named pinkerton, and have to go back to the library at 8am

Current mood: horny

Wednesday, March 12, 2003

11:52AM - thats DOCTOR AINE to you sir.

ahh woke up this morning an hour late with the same headache that i've had for the past two days. terrific. didnt shower, didn't study for quiz, but walked outside and the weather was lovely, and the quiz wasn't so bad, so now i'm feeling much better. also wrote half my paper that is due tommorow in the last 45 mins, which is not too bad. hopefully i'll be able to finish the rest of it before i go to the sheep farm later, since i also have that terrific exam tommorow that i haven't started studying for. but whatever, cos i just found out i got into vet school, so if i can't slack a little now, when will i be able to?

so yea, in case you missed that last comment, I got into vet school.... iowa state to be exact, although i'm still waiting to hear about the cornell wait list and to hear from ohio state.
but now in all my summer job apps i can say "i will" be attending veterinary school in the fall, as opposed to "i hope to be" attending... sweet.

did something over the weekend that is causing me a little more internal consternation than it should, considering how awesome it was. things with rob haven't been going as well as i would like (but then again, when are they ever??) but for the first time i'm ok with that. which makes me not ok with that, because if im ok with things being not ok with rob, does that mean im moving on? what if i don't want to move on? (this is where marga would say, "well, do you want to stay unhappy with that shit head forver? i HATE him" and i meekly respond "yes. i love him" ) what if i just don't love him anymore? what do i do then?

as angela chase would say (approximately; the exact quote is busy being in my dvd player, not my head) i resolved to be less introspective, but i think i'm going to have to give that decision some more thought.

Current mood: jumbly

Tuesday, March 4, 2003

3:09PM - walking away again? you don't see me stopping you this time.

it seems that i only feel the urge to write in this when i am miserable, or procrastinating, or both. in this case, it would be both.

a lot has happened since i last wrote in this regularly, but ironically, i am in the exact same position with all of the exact same people, and i feel the same way. the more things change, the more they stay the same for sure.

i'm about to graduate (well, in like 3 months) and i feel like i have done nothing substantial with my four years. I've probably made two or three friendships that i consider worth persuing outside of cornell, and i have not exactly kept my previous friend ships alive as well as i could have. my grades have been medicore, i haven't contributed substantially to my community or a cause in any way, and i dont know where my life is going. i'm not saying that i have to have it all "figured out", it just seems like i have been floundering, and in the process, got nothing figured out....

well, i guess my pensive mood dictates that you will be hearing more from me in the future, hope not all of it will be so gloomy and miserable (although knowing me, i think we all know it probably will be)

"i feel this intense pressure..." igby goes down, the new posterchild for the lost generation

Current mood: headachey

Wednesday, April 3, 2002

11:14PM - ummm

holy shit, i forgot all about this...
my life is so crazily different from the last time i wrote in this
and yet it seems as though nothing has changed at all.

Current mood: tired

Sunday, December 16, 2001

11:09AM - my life fucking sucks dude

yea, that about says it all.
i've been through all this before.
i know how it happened,
i know what comes next
and theres nothing i can do about it.
when are things gonna change?

Current mood: cranky

Thursday, December 13, 2001

10:08AM - finals schminals

well, so i only have one final, its on monday
im going to get a B in the class no matter what i do, so i have little to no motivation to study for it. which is probably why i am writing this instead...

im done on monday, but i have to get my wisdom teeth out on tuesday (yucky yucky) and i dont quite know how i am getting home, since my car is not exactly cooperating, and my dad is not exactly cooperating at geting it fixed. but alas.

finally, after two years and a half years, something happened with chris.. and its some kind of wonderful. hes just an amazing person, and i cant wait to get to know him better.

Current mood: happy

Sunday, November 25, 2001

1:20PM - that information could have been brought to my attention yesterday

well, i know it seems like i only write in my livejournal when i have something to complain about but thats probably true, so here i am writing.

thanksgivign break sucked a fat one. there is something about gatherings of people involving food and alcohol that just seem to make me feel totally alone in the world. i dont understand how everyone can sit around pretending everything is okay when its clearly not. and my brother got about 12 million phone calls a day and i got oh, about none. i mean, my brother is a super cool kid and totally deserves to have a million people looking for him, but sometimes i just one of those people was actaully looking for me, and not just talking to me as an afterthought.

this entire semester has just been one big shit on aine.
and i know i shouldnt even be complaining, becuase i have friends who love me, and im doing what i want to do, and everythign will work out right eventually,
but why cant things work ot now?
maybe gene is right, i should just have a better perspective on things, but i equate that to settling.. im a perfectionist, and usuually i enjoy it, but not right now.

tuesday night was ok, hung out with john woods and tim and rich, which was cool, but a little depressing, since all they ever do is drink and smoke. theres nothing wrong with either of those two things, but sitting in your room in your parents house and doing them every night, i dunno, seems a little sad to me.
then wedsneday day i was suposed to go over again, but i called john and he basically uninvited me cos he already had his friend quota filled. it was understandable in that his parents were getting mad, so i wasnt really mad at him, but just a little sad cos i thought we were closer friends than that. so i didnt do anything wednesday night. thursday was thanksgiving, which was ok. johnny mac came over to say hi, which was mad akward. he mentioned how he hung out at ashleys the night before, which made me feel even shittier... i mean, im not super tight with ashley or anything, but i was just depressing that they didnt even think to call me or anything.. esp johnn mac... although it became pretty clear why he didnt call me, cos the next night he did call me to come hang out. so i went over to shirins and sat next to him on the couch for like an hour and a half. i didnt say anything the entire time, cos i didnt really know anyone there and it was wierd and woah. so we went outside and sat on his car and talked for a while. his eyelashes were so soft against my cheek and the moon was beautiful and it seemed like a movie. i was totally expecting him to say what he said, but that doesnt make it any easier to take. it still doesnt even feel real, but at the same time, i know it is, and i know ive lost something totally amazing. maybe the best thing that had ever happened to me. and its gone now, and i have no one to blame but myself.

sometimes you just feel utterly and completely alone, and theres nothing anyone can do to change that.

Current mood: miserable, more so that usual

Tuesday, November 20, 2001

11:38AM - in the mood for love

based on a whim/strange recommendation, i went to see a movie on sunday called "In the mood for love"
its about these two people in hong kong in the early 1960s.
it is a little slow moving, but very poetic and i highly recommend it!

in other news, leaving for spanksgiving in 3 hrs, and cant wait.
even though there will be some shady rob ish to deal with.....
but that is another story

Current mood: sick

Wednesday, November 7, 2001

11:40AM - well, its about time

yay! i thought you guys had all forgotten about the good ol lj...
im supposed to be writing a paper on c.s. lewis's the abolition of man, which is a very interesting book, im just not in a paper writing mood, which is unfortunate, because the paper is due is an hour and 35 mins... alas

i also have to write a paper on orwell's animal farm, which is an excellent book.. so excellent that writing about it intimidates me... luckily that paper isnt due till december even though it has to be 16 pages......

so i have been having all these mini crises lately, but i realize that anything that doesnt kill you, well might not make you stronger, but at least you are still alive....
also, while im on my philisophical tip, sometimes certain things can't be forced... like if you were still friends with everyone you were every friends with, it would make your head spin... so sometimes things happen for a reason, even if you cant see it right anyway, or even if you dont like the reason. the corrallary of that is you should enjoy things while they last, because everything, life, love, friends, money, daylight, everything is fleeting. that isnt necessarialy a bad thing either, since it makes us appreciate all the good stuff even more...

so if things are good, enjoy them while you can
if things are bad, well, they have to get better eventually (although they might, no, probably will get worse first....)

Wednesday, October 24, 2001

8:56AM - stop! i want to get off...

so its been a while since i wrote stuff, mainly because all i do is study, which is not very exciting....
I have been getting really moody lately; i've started the daily crying that worked so well last year again it just seems like no matter how much effort i put into anything, whether it be school, or life or anything, it always just comes to shit... it is making me wonder whether anything at all is worth it...
i also dont feel that i am a very good person right now
i've been sort of lonely.. but not for particular people, just sometimes i feel like no one can identify with me but at the same time i need to start looking for happiness inside myself, rather than expecting other people to make me happier because of what they think or do or say to me...

i need a lot of time to think things through, reevaluate, and convince myself i am a worthwhile human being... good time i have plenty of work to do, so i dont have time for any of this....


Current mood: contemplative

Wednesday, October 10, 2001

12:34PM - all i ever wanted was to be your spine

once i managed to make it through all the work i had to do last week (although i just ended up not doing half of it, which means i should be doing it now...)
i was more than ready for fall break, which was awesome.
friday i drove into the city to drop tara off at her cousins, and then plowed my way through nyc friday afternoon trafic to see the rents. dad wasnt home, so the momser and i went out for indian food. yummy yummy. after that i chilled with john woods and shady rob, which was fun as usual, it was just like being back in high school (sort of).
then saturday i went into the city to an open house for Ross University, which is a vet school in the west indies i am thinking of applying to (no, not just cos it is in the west indies - i dont even really like warm weather)
then that night i went down to maryland with my mom to spend the weekend with the bro.
as i was pulling off to get some food i got a call from johnnie mac, which was super awesome even though i could only talk for a minute (cant keep the mom waiting when it comes to food!)
so we got to md and chilled with my bro till monday morning, which mostly consisted of my mom driving around in huge circles, taking wrong turns and geting mad at my bro, it was fun none the less!
on monday morning, we went to IHOP for a second time (sunday was the first time) and then picked up marga at the metro station and drove home to dirty jerzee
i brough marga into the city to see her friend max and almost killed my self in the process - not only did i take like 1200 wrong turns (runs in the family, i swear) i semi-ran a red light and almost hit a traffic cop (good job aine!)
but he just ignored me and my jersey plates and i made it back to the tunnel safely.
after that i chilled again with rob and john woods
tuesday i picked up tara and marga int he city, then came back to my house picked up dustin (what a great kid!) and drove back to shitaca.
so here i am back to stressing and such. sadly missed a call from john - but good luck on your test babe!
to y'all who have fall break this weekend - come see me!

thats about all for now...

Current mood: busy

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