first of all, i just reread my journal, in its fairly sporadic entirety. i dont know if my perception of things has changed, or if i have always been just editing the words i put in here - its probably a little bit of both - but its a little sad to think that a lot of what i wrote seems to only represent a tiny portion of the whole story, but that the whole story can't even really be told in words... but how do you put the most ephemeral glimpses of subconcious thoughts into a coherent, properly spell sentence?
so although this is a place to record my feelings and reactions and thoughts, don't take anything you read in this journal too seriously. if you were involved in whatever incident im discussing, then you know what really went on, and if you weren't, well, you'll just have to deal with the highlights, however misrepresentative they are.
on a more current note, i can't say my actions the past few days have been entirely repectable, but im going to blame it all on alcohol. (thats a joke, btw)
ultimately, the one thing i learn over and over again, in high school, in college, in everything do, is that laughter, especially self directed, solve a lot of problems. or at the very least, is a salve for healing wounds.
i know that sounds strange coming from the crying girl, but i know the sweetest tears are the ones that end in laughter. "the sweet aint so sweet without the bitter" but the sweet sure is sweet, and should be plentiful.
being able to laugh at your self makes it easier to get through those moments when you feel your cheeks flush, or when you feel your heart sink.
i am blessed to have some amazing friends. i don't always treat them the way i should, or show them the appropriate feelings. but thats probably the best part, even though i treat them like shit, i can't seem to get rid of them.
similarly, my heart has known some sweet moments over the past four years that i will remember. it has known some bitter wicked moments, but i will also remember those fondly. especially in the past few days, i have learned of some feelings that i didnt think lived in certain peoples hearts, and it makes me a little sad to know that i can't do anything about them. but its nice to know they are there.
i can't say there is nothing i regret, but i can say that if i had to do it all over again, i wouldn't change a thing.
so whereever you are now, wherever you will be this next summer, or this next year, or even this next life time (if that is going to be the next time i see you), know that i am thinking about my friends, and i love you all very much.