thanksgivign break sucked a fat one. there is something about gatherings of people involving food and alcohol that just seem to make me feel totally alone in the world. i dont understand how everyone can sit around pretending everything is okay when its clearly not. and my brother got about 12 million phone calls a day and i got oh, about none. i mean, my brother is a super cool kid and totally deserves to have a million people looking for him, but sometimes i just one of those people was actaully looking for me, and not just talking to me as an afterthought.
this entire semester has just been one big shit on aine.
and i know i shouldnt even be complaining, becuase i have friends who love me, and im doing what i want to do, and everythign will work out right eventually,
but why cant things work ot now?
maybe gene is right, i should just have a better perspective on things, but i equate that to settling.. im a perfectionist, and usuually i enjoy it, but not right now.
tuesday night was ok, hung out with john woods and tim and rich, which was cool, but a little depressing, since all they ever do is drink and smoke. theres nothing wrong with either of those two things, but sitting in your room in your parents house and doing them every night, i dunno, seems a little sad to me.
then wedsneday day i was suposed to go over again, but i called john and he basically uninvited me cos he already had his friend quota filled. it was understandable in that his parents were getting mad, so i wasnt really mad at him, but just a little sad cos i thought we were closer friends than that. so i didnt do anything wednesday night. thursday was thanksgiving, which was ok. johnny mac came over to say hi, which was mad akward. he mentioned how he hung out at ashleys the night before, which made me feel even shittier... i mean, im not super tight with ashley or anything, but i was just depressing that they didnt even think to call me or anything.. esp johnn mac... although it became pretty clear why he didnt call me, cos the next night he did call me to come hang out. so i went over to shirins and sat next to him on the couch for like an hour and a half. i didnt say anything the entire time, cos i didnt really know anyone there and it was wierd and woah. so we went outside and sat on his car and talked for a while. his eyelashes were so soft against my cheek and the moon was beautiful and it seemed like a movie. i was totally expecting him to say what he said, but that doesnt make it any easier to take. it still doesnt even feel real, but at the same time, i know it is, and i know ive lost something totally amazing. maybe the best thing that had ever happened to me. and its gone now, and i have no one to blame but myself.
sometimes you just feel utterly and completely alone, and theres nothing anyone can do to change that.